THE PATH TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: it all starts with your being healthy and loving yourself. If you treated your friends the way you treat yourself, would you have any friends?

Jacqueline Small, a wonderful author and workshop leaders, says: “It is not only your job to love yourself but to cherish yourself.”

Wow! Isn’t that a pretty tall order? Even if you attempted such a feat as to cherish yourself, wouldn’t that make you vain, conceited, even narcissistic?

The Bible says, “Love yourself as you love your neighbor.”

Well, if you hate any of your neighbors, that let’s you off the hook of learning to love yourself. Just stay in the land of hatred, war, and drama, and you’ll have an exciting life! Is that what you want? I don’t think so.

What many people don’t realize is that the above Bible verse implies that you first love yourself.

How can you give anything to another if you don’t first have it yourself? Bingo!

We’re right back to where we started! If you want to get on the Path to Healthy Relationships, it all begins with you.

You must have a healthy relationship with yourself so that you have the qualities to give away and attract the same back to you. Love yourself so that you may love others.

Take an imaginary trip with me now into the art print, THE PATH TO HEALTHY RELA-TIONSHIPS, and let’s see what it means to have a healthy relation-ship with yourself.

Butterflies—the sign of freedom and transformation. The large orange butterfly is eating from the daisies of kindness, affection, attraction, humor, and fun.

How kind and affectionate are you to yourself in your self-talk? In your self-care? In making time for yourself to do what you really love? Do you run yourself down? Or do you honor yourself the way you are with gentle kindness and affection?

Ashleigh Brilliant says: “Just because I love myself exactly as I am does not mean I abandon all hope of my improving.”

Be that kind to yourself!

Have a sense of humor. Can you laugh at yourself? Who do you know that is really good at laughing at himself/herself? Do you find that to be a really likeable quality?

Fun—are you good at having fun, even when you are all alone? Do you enjoy your own company? We are on this earth that we may experience joy. How much joy do you contribute to your own well-being, your own soul?

Attraction—we say we get attracted to someone for a variety of reasons. Do you look, act, and live your life in a way that first of all reflects the authentic you, and second, that it similar to what and how you want your partner to be?

We are mirrors of each other and attract people into our lives who are similar, unfortunately (so it feels) in negative ways as well as positive ways. The people we attract into our lives are our teachers; and the more anyone pushes your buttons, the more they have to teach you about yourself. Become the kind of person you want to attract; the more you do this, the smoother will be your path.

THE PATH TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

It All Begins With You

PART TWO (of six parts)

In Part One, we covered the words on the flower petals around the butterfly on the art print: all concepts that we need to embrace and integrate to have healthy relationships – with ourselves and with each other. Now we will explore what we need to look at as the red flags in life and make sure we stay on the right path.

The snake in the rose bush warns you: beware of deceit—this is a red flag in any relationship—within yourself and from another person.

Do you lie to yourself or others, maybe to seek approval or to impress them? If you value honesty, the best way to start is by looking yourself in the eyes every morning and every night. Let your mirror be your best tool in becoming your own best friend.

Abuse and violence are rampant in our world, and if you fall into that pattern with yourself and/or anyone else, it feels like you are drowning. It can feel like a death sentence to your soul. That is why this art print, THE PATH TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, shows how imperative it is to take the steps on the bridge and go high above and over the “River of Abuse.”

Take responsibility for yourself. Know what your values, goals, and interests are. “Know thyself and to thine own self be true.” You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone else if you don’t know what interests you, what you value, and what your goals in life are. In healthy relationships, the more you share in common, the more compatible you will be.

If you swim in the victim mentality and give your power away to others, you can lose yourself to other people’s values, goals, and interests. One way you can abuse yourself is to allow someone else to define you, tell you how to think, feel, behave, look, and even what do with your life.

Self-abuse comes in many forms—using food, drugs, alcohol, depression, self-recrimination—how many other ways can you think of?

See how important it is to love yourself and treat yourself well so that you can be on the path to healthy relationships?

Granted, it is a challenge on our planet. We have lots of influences in the media to teach us how “not to be,” (violence, pornography, etc.), and that inadvertently reinforces lots of what we don’t want. We hope it just happens on the screen and not in our own lives, yet how much does our society and our media mirror each other?

I cannot stress enough how absolutely necessary it is for you to take responsibility for yourself. Your thoughts and beliefs create your experiences in life, so be very careful and responsible for what and how you think! For any part of your life that is not working, you have a sabotaging belief (or set of beliefs) that is steering your ship. That is why self-awareness is so important. You must become aware, first and foremost, of what your beliefs are in order to change.

THE PATH TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

It All Begins With You

PART THREE (of six parts)

In the last part, you wised up to the snake’s ways of deceit, and you got over the bridge high above the River of Abuse. You know yourself—your goals, your values, your interests—and you are taking responsibility for yourself.

Now it is time to enter the Courtyard of Love and Respect. How do you know that in your inner courtyard, your self-concept, that you love and respect yourself? Those are big words. I, the writer of this article, took 50 years to integrate into my consciousness, “I respect myself.” I hope it doesn’t take you that long!

There is no way we can consistently attract and command respectful behaviors from others unless we respect others and ourselves. It’s a deep and powerful concept that has to do with feeling we are good enough, deserving, and able to accept our highest good. Integrity fits here. Both love and respect are words felt in the heart, yet the head needs to be mutually in agreement.

We respect ourselves when we say NO when we want to say NO and YES when we want to say YES. We respect ourselves when we value our bodies and set boundaries.

We respect ourselves when we value our own authenticity—not to flaunt it, not to squelch it—but to humbly honor it. We respect ourselves when we can graciously give and receive with ease.

What are some examples of respect from your life?

Fear is the opposite of love—not hate. Apathy can be closer to the opposite of love than hate, because hate has engaging attachment energy to it. Apathy is a separating quality. (More about this when we get to the Graveyard of contempt and the word withdrawal.)

A famous book of teachings (The Course of Miracles) says that all actions and thoughts are based on either love or on fear. This simple but powerful truth proves to be an invaluable tool to apply to all of life.

In your thoughts and actions, ask yourself, “If I truly loved myself (and had no fears), how would I think or act?” Your feelings of loving yourself will naturally follow your loving thoughts and behaviors.

As we pass under the sign “Courtyard of Love and Respect,” we go by two cuddly cats snuggled together on a pedestal of trust and comfort. Here’s a big question for you. Do you trust yourself? Are you comfortable with who you are?

When you point your finger at someone in an accusatory manner, there are three fingers pointing back at yourself.

Sometimes when we have a hunch that someone is distrustful, we have our antennae warning us to protect ourselves. Our radar is warning us to beware, and we need to trust this intuitive feeling.

However, when you point your finger while in a dramatic exchange accusing someone else of something, and your buttons are really getting pushed, be aware that you may very well be engaged in what’s called projection: you are accusing someone of something that is really all about you.

When you trust yourself, this won’t be an issue; but if you fear how you may behave in life, then you will attract those negative behaviors patterns into your life to teach you more about yourself. That is why it is so important to trust yourself and be comfortable with who you are. It all begins with you.

The fish in the pond represent fidelity, and sex may be the first thing that comes into your mind. That is the traditional definition—you don’t cheat on your sweetheart.

But it means a lot more than that. Applying the word fidelity to yourself, it can mean you are faithful to yourself: your feelings, goals, passion, and purpose in life. You are faithful to being true to yourself, in spite of peer pressure or societal expectations.

An example of this is when I was in high school, some boys pinned me to the ground. One boy held my left leg down, another my right leg. With a boy for each arm, now four boys holding me down, a fifth one stood over me, straddling my hips. He leaned down to try to force a lit cigarette in my mouth. I pierced my lips together as tightly as I could and shook my head from side to side exclaiming like a ventriloquist, “No, No, No, No, No!” Finally, the antagonist stood up, shrugged his blue-jean jacketed shoulders, and said, “She just won’t do it. She won’t do it!”

No one to this day 44 years later has ever tried to get me to smoke. I have always been faithful to my ideal to never smoke, with such a high degree of certainty, that I must non-verbally emit that message. Plus I make an effort to make friends with non-smokers only.

What are some pivotal points in your life that demonstrate that you are faithful to your own true self (that is fidelity applied to the self), and that you trust yourself to be authentic?

THE PATH TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

It All Begins With You

PART FOUR (of six parts)

In PART THREE, we were on the path examining love, respect, trust, comfort, and fidelity. How we all so deeply desire those traits in our relationships with ourselves and with others. Now we are going to examine some scary, undesirable behaviors that are so important to avoid.

THE PATH TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS winds its way past and around The Graveyard of Contempt. An arrow of fear points into the woods, a scary place where you can lose yourself and have a hard time finding your way out.

The behaviors listed on the gravestones in the cemetery are rooted in low self-esteem and fear. These behaviors are right where they belong—you want these behaviors dead and buried and no more a part of your world—for engaging in these behaviors is what leads to feelings of contempt, a very destructive force.

Contempt for one’s self is self-hatred or self-loathing.

Remember how I said your behaviors are based on either love or fear. Let’s look at the fears behind the graveyard of contempt behaviors.

Jealousy is based on the fear that we don’t have or can’t have what someone else has.

Manipulation is based on the fear that we can’t get our needs met in a straightforward, kind, and respectful way.

Withdrawal (abandonment of the self or others) stems from, among others, the fear that we aren’t good enough—or the fear of consequences.

Depression comes from having fears of expressing our anger, sorrow, and hurt. Have you heard the concept that depression is anger turned inwards?

Anger is masked fear —fear of the truth, of pain, of a host of things. Have you heard that whining is anger “coming out of a small hole”—another fear-based behavior of fearing that you won’t get your needs met.

The fears behind blame are of being accused wrongly or actually being wrong. Self-blame is guilt.

Criticism also stems from fears. We criticize others because we are like them in similar ways. We don’t like this in ourselves but project it on to them. Or we criticize because we are jealous of them, or because we are just plain ignorant and have no idea what it is like to walk in their shoes.

Control is the fear of being out of control and of being vulnerable.

All of these fear-based behaviors can be poison to relationships and lead to contempt.

Fears destroy. Love is the answer.

To stay on THE PATH TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, it is important to keep your self-esteem nourished. Contempt (self-hatred) is at the root of self-destructive behaviors; and you don’t want to do that to yourself any more than you want anyone to treat you in any of those deadly (to your spirit) ways.

Remember: it all begins with you, so love yourself.

THE PATH TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

It All Begins With You

PART FIVE (of six parts)

In the first four parts in this series, It All Begins With You, we have been exploring the left side of the art print, THE PATH TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS. Now follow me as we explore the big tree, which is full of messages with its visible roots of stability, the squirrel representing security, and the birds looking at each other representing communication and understanding.

How stable are your roots? Are you a stable person? Do people know what to expect from you, or do they walk on eggshells around you because your behavior is erratic and unpredictable? Do you feel comfortable, stable, and secure in your own skin? Your foundation of who you are requires stability—not that you can’t make changes and grow in life. Stability does not imply that you are static and rigid. It implies that there is congruity in who you are from day to day, place to place, and that as you grow older, you seek to grow into being more of who you really are.

Security can imply financial as well as emotional security. Are you strong and secure in yourself? Do you have emotional intelligence? Healthy relationships are based on both people being secure in what they have to offer to the partnership, and neither one feels taken advantage of or used. It means you take responsibility to give yourself (and when partnered, to your partner) all that you can in the name of love. People blossom the most when they feel secure.

Communication and understanding—they, too, begin with you. How can you share who you are if you don’t listen to yourself, know who you are, and develop skills to express yourself?

Remember, you are on the path of kindness, love, respect, trust, etc., so how you express yourself is as important as the words.

There is a theory that 90% of what we communicate to others is non-verbal: your facial expressions, tone of voice, body gestures and posture, your behaviors (or lack of actions) all speak volumes.

An overlooked and absolute essential ingredient in healthy communication and understanding is the ability to actively listen to one another and communicate so that each person feels heard. One of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself and to anyone you love is to understand. So listen carefully, foremost to your higher self, and also importantly, to others.

THE PATH TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

It All Begins With You

PART SIX (of six parts)

For five issues, we have been exploring THE PATH TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS from the angle that It All Begins With You. In this final part, we are on the home stretch as we look at a hot-air balloon, two trees with entwining trunks, and a castle.

An air balloon of support floats behind the tree of communication and understanding. Support can apply to different areas of your life. Do you support yourself financially? Emotionally? Spiritually? Do you support your own dreams? How capable are you of supporting others—of being a cheerleader? Do you lift others up or burst their bubble?

Nothing deflates a relationship with yourself (or other people) more than squelching behaviors, i.e., those behaviors based on fear and low self-esteem that we found in the graveyard. Be supportive. Say things like: “You can do it; go for it!” to yourself… and to others.

Intimacy—two trees have their trunks entwined. Like fidelity, you may immediately think of sex with this word. However, it is so much more than that. You can be intimate with yourself by writing in a journal, by singing in the shower or in the car, or by skipping alone in the woods or on the beach. You can be intimate with yourself by talking into the mirror. How are you intimate with yourself?

When you share who you truly are from the depths of your being with another person, or with yourself, you are being intimate. Intimacy—into-me-see! When I am intimate with you, you can see into me! You can have an intimate conversation with a friend, a sister, or a counselor.

When a sexual connection is made in an intimate relationship, the actual love making ideally is an expression of that intimate connection you have with each other. Two people, or even one masturbating, can be sexual with or without intimacy. Look at your vocabulary describing your sexual behavior, and you will have a strong clue how deep the level of intimacy is in your life.

The castle of commitment, under the rays of the sun with the words A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP arcading overhead like a rainbow, is the fantasy version of your “happily ever after.” This symbolism has magically and mythically stood the test of time and depicts what the majority of humans dream about and work so hard to create.

Evidence: According to LIFE, Feb. 7, 2005, the dating and matchmaking industry is a $1.2+ billion dollar industry. According to USA TODAY, Feb. 14, 2005, there were 836 online Internet sites drawing revenue of $473 million in 2004. There are over 90 million unattached adults in the United States and the divorce rate is over 50%. People keep trying. It is a driving force in human nature.

Don’t you, too, want to love, be loved, and a have commitment with someone and live happily ever after?

Healthy relationships start with you, though; so what does commitment to yourself mean? Let’s play with this concept.

How committed are you to being true to yourself and following your dreams? How committed are you to do your own personal growth work and heal whatever needs to be healed? How committed are you to “being good.” Be a good friend, a good partner, a good person, a good parent, a good citizen, etc. How committed are you to living a life of loving yourself and loving life? How committed are you to creating healthy relationships in general, whether they are romantic or not?

Are you either one of these extremes, i.e., commitment-needy or commitment-phobic? What does it feel like to live in the castle of your own mind, body, and soul? Are you good commitment castle-mate potential? Are you the kind of person you want to have as a partner?

THE PATH TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS begins with you. What kind of path are you on? If you are on the right path, thank you for being an example to others. If you are on an unhealthy path, it is never too late to get on THE PATH TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS. Step right up and begin now. You can do it.

It all begins with you.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Cleone Lyvonne Reed, MSE, received a BA in Social Work and a Master’s Degree in Education/Community Counseling from the University of Wisconsin. She was a social worker for several years, then a mental health therapist for ten years. Instrumental in the creation of this process as Artistic Director, she now works as a writer, editor, cover designer, and marketing associate with Robert D. Reed Publishers.

Passionate about helping people create healthier relationships, she is available to do workshops and seminars centered around this art print, and/or to develop programs for others to deliver. Cleone can be reached at (541) 347-9882 or by email: cleonelyvonne@yahoo.com.

ABOUT THE ART PRINT: THE PATH TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS is a poster-size (24”x 36”) art print by award-winning illustrator, Gay W. Holland, published by Robert D. Reed, both of Bandon, Oregon.

The cost is $24.95 per art print plus $5.50 S/H for the first print, $1.00 S/H for each additional print going to the same address.

Call for quantity discounts. To order, either order online at the website below OR make out check or money order to Robert D. Reed and mail to:

Robert D. Reed

P.O. Box 1992

Bandon, OR 97411.

Phone: (541) 347-9882.

Fax: (541) 347-9883.

Websites: www.loveartprint.com

www.rdrpublishers.com

Email: 4bobreed@msn.com

or cleonelyvonne@yahoo.com

Cleone Reed